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These are Dave chapelle funniest standup bits:
Terrorists don't take black hostages. That's the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, 'Uh... they is treating us good. Uh we are chilling and shit. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!'
Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'
Just cuz I eat Chicken and Watermelon they think that something’s wrong with me. Let me tell you somethin if you don’t like chicken and watermelon, something is wrong with you, there is something wrong with you! Where are all these people who don't like Chicken and Watermelon? I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is, it's great! I'm waiting for Chicken to approach me to do a commercial nigga, I'll do it for free Chicken! It's the least I can do.
One night at 3am I went to the corner store
I forgot why
Oh, that's right! I wanted a bite
I had the munchies because I was high
The store is owned by Mr. Fong
And every day he sees me, he does me wrong
He's Korean and I'd never say that I hate all Korean people
I haven't met all Korean people, that hate talk's for savages
But even though I don't generalize, I do do percentages and averages
So far I hate 1 out of 5 Korean people I've met so far
So I come in the store, "Hello Mr. Fong," I say
And he just scowls at me and growls at me
"Buy something...hurry up"
Now look, I'm not stealing in the least
But if you're shopping and you know someone's watching you shop
That shit'll make you look like a thief
Mr. Fong said, "Hey! I've been watching you since you came in the door
Buy something now or get out of my store!"
Now I couldn't take it anymore
"Hey! Hey!" I said, raising my hand
"Get your fingers out of my face, China man!"
Mr. Fong said, "Hey! Hey! What make you think I'm Chinese?
You must not know what you're saying!
You made a mistake brack man, Mr. Fong is Korean!"
Now, I was wrong. I was wrong
I said, "Uh, Mr. Fong, I'm sorry to offend by mistaking your race
But you gotta admit if it was a Chinese look-alike contest, your ass would place!
You're a dead ringer for a Chinese
But don't be mad at me, I didn't mean to offend you in the least
You know some people say all black people look alike
We call those people police
message for poor